the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Randomize
