I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
