I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Randomize
