Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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