I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
