My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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