I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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