Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
