i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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