your parents love me but you hate me
Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
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