My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
