someone get that fucking seahorse.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
