Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I've blown a few things in my day
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
