she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
