I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
