im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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