I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
