remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
