I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
