no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
