When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
