did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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