Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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