i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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