if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
