He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
