His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
