no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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