So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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