i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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