I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
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