You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Randomize
