life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
