My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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