Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
