guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
accomplished twins. life is a go
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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