I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
