You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
