Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
