I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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