Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
