a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Randomize
