from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Sorry about my life...
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
