i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
