"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Randomize
