dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
