Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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