I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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