Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
