I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
