my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
