i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Randomize
