sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
She's the barista slut.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
